refraction #5

I don’t even know why I try anymore. I’m not a constant in people’s lives, I’m just a placeholder until something better comes along. 

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I don’t ask for more than the bare minimum bc no one’s loved me enough to give me anything else. And even that I have to ask for. I keep rearranging all the broken pieces and fragments of myself in hopes that I find a combination that gets it right. The combination that doesn’t make people afraid of me, or make them take advantage of me, or make them leave me. I’ve begged my entire life to be anybody else bc being myself is so exhausting, and I’m tired of being tired. I just want to feel like a normal person who can have normal things and not have all these feelings and thoughts and problems. I wanna be boring and talk about fucking birds and why it’s so hot outside. I’ve spent everyday of my life asking what’s wrong with me and what I’ve done to deserve this, and the universe and biology and chance and luck and fate all just laugh in my face and disappear. I don’t wanna have anymore broken pieces if none of them are colorful. I want to be happy, and I can’t be bc all I do – all I know, all I’m good at – is suffering. I just want a break, for once, to not feel like I’m being swallowed by a black hole and fading into obscurity before my time is up. 

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“I don’t want to see you anymore”

“You don’t care about me”

“Good bye”

“There’s nothing you can do for me anymore. I don’t want whatever you have to give me”